Reason for joining exclusive old Colombo club
A friend’s motivations for joining one of Colombo’s exclusive old clubs illustrates the shocking things people do to survive in the 21st century third world.
Forget about even applying for membership unless you went to the right schools. Chances are you don’t even know that this club exists. It doesn’t advertise and its entrance is heavily camouflaged against curious eyes. Unlike the better known acronym heavy social/sports clubs in Colombo, this club avoids taking part in anything involving running around in the sun.
The membership prefers dignified, civilised activities such as reading their paper uninterrupted — ideally accompanied by a proper Scotch. The surroundings of the club are carefully designed to facilitate these holy rituals. There are plenty of papers about so you don’t have to engage in humiliating and blasphemous behaviour such as intruding on a fellow member for a page.
Most importantly the place is well shielded from the blare of the outside world. The ancient high ceilings and deep verandas keep the place well cooled and shaded. The seating is comfortable specially when you are moving through your 70s. All you have to do is ring the bell that comes with your drink and the efficiently invisible staff will ensure you don’t have to suffer the sadness of an empty glass. The food is not bad but easily unavailable. The focus is drink in gentlemanly quantities — not food.
Club rules shield you from the evil summons of mobile phones and dangerous predators such as wives. It is unthinkable that a member would have a girl friend. Unmentionables such as courtesans and mistress stay in one’s private worlds beyond the gates.
The most important rules of the club are naturally unwritten. You will never hear about them from another member. These are steeped in the arcane events which have gelled odd habits into law by the weight of history. Thankfully the bartender will diplomatically fill you in. Central to these rules is a pecking order of seniority. It dictates everything down to when and where you can sit. Given that practically everyone is more than twice your age, you quickly understand you place.
The application process culminates in an interview with one aim: to see if you can verbalise a convincing reason to be accepted in good polished language. Having the class to wear (and own) a proper suit is a requirement too obvious to mention – as is the school tie. If you pass and don’t get black balled, you’ll be invited to drop in any time. The staff will know you by name when you walk in.
Along with acquiring a temporary refuge from wife and brood there comes of course the natural set of connections. With proper people – not riff raff like politicians. But the best reason for joining?
The best parking this side of Pettah machan!
Are you in the square?
fabulous post. your descriptions are outstanding and leaves me guessing to which the establishment in question is – the Colombo Club per se, the Eighty Club – surely not the Capri…
This is about Orient Club. The bell, old school tie and the seating position are the giveaways. A wonderful place.
It’s 80 club, right? Have rather a hilarious bit of history with it – something un-staid, non-gentlemanly and that was totally frowned upon by the “regulars”!
not the Orient Club by Royal College?
lovely writing there. 80 club is what i thought too, but it’s not in pettah, and it didn’t seem to prohibit women
My guess is the AA.
Kirigalpoththa ???
you lost me there.
maf:
thank you 
I don’t want to get my friend into hot water (not that I’m assuming the membership reads blogs) by confirming the place “in public”. However I can definitely say it is not the 80 club 
Angel: Love to hear about it. Feel free to change the details to protect the guilty
Harsha: Already eliminated one option so I won’t give anything away publicly – you’ll know soon enough
Pericles: Hmm.. as far as I know its not a place by the sea.
Ashan: Thank you
Its definitely not the 80 club. The pettah reference was my little “creative licence” 
According to my “source” it wasn’t clear if this club accepted women or not – wives were certainly allowed. Might be that most of the members are men or only men were allowed to be members.
Char: “AA”??
Just ask your friend whether they keep a ‘Square’ and a Compass quite prominently.
If not, I have made a wrong guess
AA – Automobile Association. Situated opp galle face, has been there for ages and a common place for old timers, way before SSC’s. My unc used to be a regular, nbt sure whether place is still running.
Seems I’m finding out about places I never knew existed!
Kirigalpoththa: Definitely not the Freemasons
Though it seems there’s quite a few lodges in Sri Lanka
http://www.sphinxlodge.org/other.htm
chaarmax: Not the AA either
Now I do not have any clue what it is
Thanks for the link btw
Da Club is already mentioned in the Comments section
Only male members but women are allowed since some years ago. However, ‘mistresses’ are not encouraged according to the unwritten ‘code’
Ish confused.. :S
Girigoris: “Da Club” ??!! Sounds like a rapper’s den
Kirigalpoththa & Char:
For the exclusive few who have commented, the name of the club will be revealed in an exclusive SECRET MEMBERS ONLY (that is those you who comment on this post) email from yours truly. Naturally, you’re confidentially is expected as it would be highly improper to reveal its secrets to others
Ashan The email you gave bounced so you’ll have to leave a usable one if you want to be in “the know”
cerno, you have such a way with words!
The 80 Club has gone to the dogs. The facade of the building is still ok, but there is a massive amount of building going on at the back.
What si this mysterious club? The CC?
T Thank you
I only think of it as the insane flow of words by the voices in the head…
Jack: Will let you know
Interesting article….Is it the Orient Club?
Will email you the answer
I thought for sure it was the free masons.
I am truly at a loss
since you’ve commented on this post I emailed you the answer
One email bounce but you should get it if I guessed the email address correctly
OK – I give up. What club is it??
In the spirit of “member only” I’ll email the name to commentors who have valid email address
It certainly sounds like the Orient Club. The most elitist and possibly racist mens only club in the country.
Interesting
I’m sure the Orient Club would want to claim that they are elitist 
Hope they weren’t racist to you though.
I’m curious as to why you feel that the Orient Club is a “most elitist and possibly racist mens only club in the country” ?
well, the Orient Club’s male only membership register is made up of mostly English speaking Singhalese with a smattering of Tamils and other ethnicities. It is common knowledge that men from a predominantly ‘trading’ ethnic group are dissuaded into becoming members.
About the OC being elitist, their club ethos is probably the only true ‘private men’s club’ there is in this country. Where the focus is all about legacy and respecting the members privacy, and not about making a quick buck, like opening their doors to all and sundry. I think they maintain as policy, a membership of not more than 300 at any given time. That alone makes them the most elitist in the country, more so than even the Colombo Club i would think, which has sadly become just a common business club, with about the same prestige as an airline business class lounge at your average airport.
Bulankulama: That’s a well written write up
Thank you. I think it quite well sums up what my friend described. Though he WAS actually focused on the parking oddly enough… 
Parking is to pick up your child from Royal or Ladies. Old school tie is prevalent in a very big way even in most bar chats. It’s always us vs them. A few Trinitians have surfaced now, but it’s mostly two other prominent schools.
I too think its elitist. Not only the school, but the family background is also looked at. No new membership for the moment, unless someone resigns. Even if there are a dozen deaths, I can’t see them accepting even a couple of members in a hurry.
I still say, one of the best clubs in Colombo. I am a member of most clubs, including this one.
There are a few young politicians hanging around there, but not Mervin Silva types. You know the type right?