Outbreak of fighting imminent – DFP

Analysts have issued dire warnings of a fresh bout of fighting following a collapse of peace talks between Sri Lanka’s most hostile groups: the Ferrari Owner’s Club of Colombo (FOCC) and the Lamborghini Association of Sri Lanka (LASL). Both parties blamed each other and the mediator, the Piliyandala Saab Drivers’ Group for the breakdown in talks. At the heart of the intractable conflict was the question which is the better machine: Lamborghini or the Ferrari.

Several carefully planned races to decide the matter have fallen through due to numerous allegations of sabotage and race fixing. A last ditch attempt to secure the Jerry Clarkson as mediator fell through on claims that he is pro Lamborghini.

Following the breakdown in talks riot police had to be deployed to break up clashes between rival groups of drivers armed with rolled up copies of the “Hi” magazine who hurled Iranian caviar and truffles at each other. Among those injured was a grandmother who was struck by “gobs” of caviar. She is reported to be recovering in hospital from its awful taste.

Another casualty of the latest clash was a passing Aston Martin which suffered numerous paint scratches due to truffles hits. Police are also investigating as which group doused it with Hennessy X.O. The president of the Kollupitiya Aston Martin Club has denounced the attack as a “barbaric act and a stain on the face of civilised motoring”. Both sides have used Youtube videos of the incident to denounce each other.

However the forgotten victims of the conflict have been a minority of drivers who own both Lamborghinies and Fararies. One distraught Lamborghini/Farrari driver who declined to be identified said “each side is telling me to choose — how can I – you can’t make people chose between their children!”. The conflict has precipitated at least 1 divorce among Lamborghini/Ferrari owning couples.

Unable to drive, other couples have been force to take three wheelers, Hondas and Maruties. Members of the Bavarian Motoring Society have offered limited aid to this group by providing rides and organising car pools. In its press release, the society hoped that the warring parties will see the futility of their conflict and realise that peaceful coexistence is the only logical approach given the fact that German engineering will always prevail over superficial and ephemeral “style”.

The warring parties are hardly in a mood to reconcile. Motorists throughout the country are bracing themselves for ad-hoc road races and car park brawls. Rallying outside Hotel de Pilawoos, a regular FOCC gathering spot, their president addressed a rally of militant club members. He denounced Lamborghini drivers as a “bunch of bovine pansies who can’t peddle a tricycle”. At a similar gathering of LASL faithful outside CRFC, their president denounced the opposition as a “clique of anal snob who can barely pretend to drive”. He vowed to “drive those vermin off the roads of our great country.”

Analysts at DDM – Defensive Driving Monthly (published by the Foundation for Analytical Research and Teaching) say that FOCC members are likely to suffer considerable set back. They point to the presence of several LMA002 “Rambo Lambos” at the CRFC rally with heavy paint gun mounts as a source of LASL strength. The FOCC do not have a comparable heavy weapon.

DDM editor Mr Thirikale pointed out that in the grid lock of Colombo traffic, FOCC members may not be able to use speed or manoeuvrability to best the LASL LMA002. Despite their apparent disadvantage, FOCC remains defiant in the face of the LASL war cry “sweep the horse shit off the road” (in reference to the horse on the Ferrari logo).

Despite numerous government peace keeping deployments it is unlikely that the warring parties can be held in check.  High Gear’s Sri Lanka correspondent reports that it is the, non Italian sports car driving public will suffer. Both sides will continue blaming each other for casualties among public transport users and pedestrians.

It’s going to be rough out there. Drive safely 🙂 and have a good weekend.

-Dissociated fake Press-

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